if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
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Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
So creative 😂
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
that colleague who touches your screen
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.