Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
If “The Breakfast Club” were filmed today, it would be a silent movie about 5 teens looking at their phones.
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Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Me: Okay, bed time.
Brain: I’m with you, man. I’m tired.
Nose: GUYS I LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE “PATIENCE” BY GUNS N’ ROSES!
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
I wish I had trained flies that would fly into the mouths of people who chew with their mouths open
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out