On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
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My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
✌️
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.