@ElizaBayne

If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July

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@KeetPotato

[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”

@Mike_Bianchi

Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME

@xLiserx

I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.

@LeftOf_Normal

My therapist told me “Write letters to the people you hate, and then burn them.” Did that, but now I don’t know what to do with the letters.

@mzeld

What’s your body type? Mine is “giant gummy bear.”

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?

@daemonic3

ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?

HIM: Maui

ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?

@GirlRestrained

Hahaha stupid person… When it says 55mph it really means 64mph………Idiot turtle person