If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
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I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself