HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
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So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee