If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
You Might Also Like
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.