If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
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Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad