There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
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My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
I have many caverns
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
This makes total sense…
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
My dress code is business-casualty.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)