@AKenyanDude

If the cup is only half full, I suggest you buy a smaller bra

You Might Also Like

@MelaynaLokosky

Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion

@brendanmcginley

The Riddler always struck me as the Batman villain most likely to have been a pickup artist.

@Mom_Overboard

I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.

*6 hours later*

S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*

@peaceintruth1

I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.

@loudmouth_usa

Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones

@ArfMeasures

[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder

@Kimgee8

Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.

@AverageCorners

Me: Okay, bed time.

Brain: I’m with you, man. I’m tired.

Nose: GUYS I LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE “PATIENCE” BY GUNS N’ ROSES!