@JennyJohnsonHi5

If the Discovery Channel’s new show ‘Naked And Afraid’ isn’t about Mormon honeymoons, I’m not interested.

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@junejuly12

my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!

me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning

my niece: maybe a cat

@RodLacroix

After they get through the Greek alphabet they start naming hurricanes after Fast and Furious films.

@bonehugsnirony

Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.

@youngestneil

My extra sensitive toothpaste cries when I don’t brush my teeth

@TweetPotato314

It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.

@dakarrier

Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days

@PinkCamoTO

8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?

Me: Not since you were born.

@YearOfRat

I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.

@JediGigi

*eats pizza out of box in bed

*falls asleep

*wakes up next to leftover pizza

Voila! Breakfast in bed!