If the Discovery Channel’s new show ‘Naked And Afraid’ isn’t about Mormon honeymoons, I’m not interested.

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my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!

me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning

my niece: maybe a cat


After they get through the Greek alphabet they start naming hurricanes after Fast and Furious films.


Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.


My extra sensitive toothpaste cries when I don’t brush my teeth


It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.


Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days


8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?

Me: Not since you were born.


I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.


*eats pizza out of box in bed

*falls asleep

*wakes up next to leftover pizza

Voila! Breakfast in bed!