JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
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[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.