If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
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I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
There is no “we” in pizza
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
reminder
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.