Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
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A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah