@AndLive2Love

If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.

You Might Also Like

@notviking

me: i love cars

date: oh cool! i love cars too

me: [waving for check] i don’t think i can be with someone that prefers cars 2

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.

@GuyEndoreKaiser

Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.

@funflaps

Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.

@DrakeGatsby

Waiter: How is everything?

Me: This is a salad

Waiter: Yes

Me: I ordered spaghetti

Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude

@HenpeckedHal

caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…

me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???

caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?

@ValeeGrrl

I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.

@Jesssicle

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”

@AnniemuMary

I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”

@Just_Lee_

The fastest way to find out if your wife is just pretending to be asleep to avoid sex is to pick up her phone and start scrolling.