me: i love cars
date: oh cool! i love cars too
me: [waving for check] i don’t think i can be with someone that prefers cars 2
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
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Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
The fastest way to find out if your wife is just pretending to be asleep to avoid sex is to pick up her phone and start scrolling.