If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.

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I love going to the dentist. He fills all my cavities. Then checks my teeth.


TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.


I like to ask people what their sign is and then read them a completely different sign’s horoscope just to hear them say “that’s so me!”


Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.


Dad: I had a son once

Stranger: what happened to him?

D: he touched the thermostat

Kid: dad, I’m like right here

D: you hear something?


spraypainting “CHEATER” on my car to make it look like im sexually active


Bought a new exercise program

Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort

So I did


Shopping with friend

“Look, triangle-shaped tupperware for your leftover pizza!”

Me: “What’s leftover pizza?


Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?

Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.


dude at house party: “anybody here wanna bone?”
girl: “ew”
girl 2: “no way”
girl 3: “never”
dog: “i am very interested in your offer”