I love going to the dentist. He fills all my cavities. Then checks my teeth.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
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TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
I like to ask people what their sign is and then read them a completely different sign’s horoscope just to hear them say “that’s so me!”
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Dad: I had a son once
Stranger: what happened to him?
D: he touched the thermostat
Kid: dad, I’m like right here
D: you hear something?
spraypainting “CHEATER” on my car to make it look like im sexually active
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Shopping with friend
“Look, triangle-shaped tupperware for your leftover pizza!”
Me: “What’s leftover pizza?
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
dude at house party: “anybody here wanna bone?”
girl 2: “no way”
girl 3: “never”
dog: “i am very interested in your offer”