*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
If the fate of the world ever depended on me opening a new plastic grocery or produce bag in under a minute, we’d all be dead.
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oh cool burger king sells hot dogs now. maybe next week i’ll get lasik at staples
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Growing a beard comes from laziness. If you ladies think that’s sexy I have some laundry on my bedroom floor that’ll turn you on.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.