If the fate of the world ever depended on me opening a new plastic grocery or produce bag in under a minute, we’d all be dead.

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oh cool burger king sells hot dogs now. maybe next week i’ll get lasik at staples


Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.

Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.

Teacher: tell me what you told her.

Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.


[before horsepower was invented]

car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons


Growing a beard comes from laziness. If you ladies think that’s sexy I have some laundry on my bedroom floor that’ll turn you on.


Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.


My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?


My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.


[Last day in prison]

*Walks up to the biggest guy*

Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.