I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
If the fate of the world ever depended on me opening a new plastic grocery or produce bag in under a minute, we’d all be dead.
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Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
concierge: the lift is broken sir i think your friend has taken the stairs
me: when’s he bringing them back?
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Hangs a sign on front door that says “Robbery in progress – Please do not disturb” to deter burglars
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?