@AristotlesNZ

If the fate of the world ever depended on me opening a new plastic grocery or produce bag in under a minute, we’d all be dead.

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@TheBoydP

I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?

@TheAlexNevil

Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.

Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.

@carlyken

“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians

@KeetPotato

“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]

@fuzzlime

I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi

@sonictyrant

concierge: the lift is broken sir i think your friend has taken the stairs

me: when’s he bringing them back?

@ankles_so_weak

They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath

@PleaseBeGneiss

ME: *so high I’m screaming*

WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!

@ScorpionDong

Hangs a sign on front door that says “Robbery in progress – Please do not disturb” to deter burglars

@HollyMemphis

If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?