If the fate of the world ever depended on me opening a new plastic grocery or produce bag in under a minute, we’d all be dead.

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I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?


Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.

Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.


“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians


“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]


I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi


concierge: the lift is broken sir i think your friend has taken the stairs

me: when’s he bringing them back?


They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath


ME: *so high I’m screaming*

WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!


Hangs a sign on front door that says “Robbery in progress – Please do not disturb” to deter burglars


If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?