If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.

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I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.


Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’


I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive


me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175


me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money


Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.


Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.


I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time


I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…

I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.