If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
You Might Also Like
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in