If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
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Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.