If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
You Might Also Like
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.