Arrived home super drunk. Put the turkey in the oven and went up and banged my wife. Woke up next to the turkey. Afraid to check the oven.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
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*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Him: “Nothing. I’m good.”
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
“Seriously, knock it off.”
I GOT A NEW BULLHORN!
“I can see that..
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
*walks up to give eulogy*
*pulls notes out of pocket*
“Frank was a weirdo that bit his toenails.”
*sits back down*
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Things I need now because of Twitter:
1. A cat
2. A beard
3. Printer for Avis
4. Duct tape
6. Gas card
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit