@WhaJoTalkinBout

If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.

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@2p2TrollCat

Arrived home super drunk. Put the turkey in the oven and went up and banged my wife. Woke up next to the turkey. Afraid to check the oven.

@AristotlesNZ

Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Him: “Nothing. I’m good.”
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
“Seriously, knock it off.”
I GOT A NEW BULLHORN!
“I can see that..

@heyitsJudeD

My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship

So I said I wanted a divorce

@jake_likes_naps

The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single

@Terry_maximo

[funeral]
*walks up to give eulogy*
*pulls notes out of pocket*
“Frank was a weirdo that bit his toenails.”
*folds notes*
*sits back down*

@AnniemuMary

Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.

@julcasagrande

Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free

@Jesstrat

Things I need now because of Twitter:
1. A cat
2. A beard
3. Printer for Avis
4. Duct tape
5. Rope
6. Gas card