If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
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I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.