party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
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What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Thanks to a fan for this one!
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.