If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
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I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.