If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
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Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
My patience has stretch marks.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
I’M CRYINGGG
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise