If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
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My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Punctuation Matters. Period.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.