If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!

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Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol


Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’


If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.


If I ever kill someone I’m dumping the body in a cemetery. Police will find it and be like “oh yeah this makes sense.”


How much for the sentient racist skeleton?

“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”


After years of failure, the “scientist” that had been trying to create a fake urine nearly went mad after he drank his first Miller Lite.


JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all

GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this

CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*


Genie: You get 3 wishes

Me: I wish you were terrible at math

Genie: You only have 14 more wishes


If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?


Twitter is what happens when you take the red pill and the blue pill.