@1CarParade

If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!

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@robdelaney

Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol

@stockejock

Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’

@baronvonbike

If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.

@TomHanksIsHot

If I ever kill someone I’m dumping the body in a cemetery. Police will find it and be like “oh yeah this makes sense.”

@huntigula

How much for the sentient racist skeleton?

“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”

@just1fool

After years of failure, the “scientist” that had been trying to create a fake urine nearly went mad after he drank his first Miller Lite.

@daemonic3

JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all

GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this

CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*

@OctopusCaveman

Genie: You get 3 wishes

Me: I wish you were terrible at math

Genie: You only have 14 more wishes

@slimmy_shady

If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?

@shanethevein

Twitter is what happens when you take the red pill and the blue pill.