If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
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I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.