Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
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Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?