@nachdermas

if the grim reaper is any indication, the afterlife is mostly farming

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@DBrownpants

If you ask me to review a restaurant, I have two answers. “The hamburgers are good.” And, “They don’t have hamburgers.”

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@captainolya

My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday

@Desert_Musings

When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.

@hazelmotes1

When my kids come to me with problems I just tell them to watch Full House until they find an episode dealing with their issue.

@ag_loco

Dear Canadians,

Who’s the cutest little nation?
You are!
Yes you are!

*pinches cheeks*

@Cryptoterra

I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT

@DanMentos

“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”

@stephenjmolloy

Me: What’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.

Barman: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Barman: £3.

Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

@dave_cactus

BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!