if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
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I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best