Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
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Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
as is their right
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.