If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
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Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?