@beckyiniowa

If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.

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@causticbob

When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.

@stanleybehrman

If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient

Hide her markers

And wait…

@RickyCoronaa

Earlier today I went to a girl’s highschool soccer game and there was a rough play where two players went to the ground. I guess one of them pulled the other’s hair so she gets up and says “I liked it better when your bf pulled my hair” not even the ref knew what to do. I fainted

@SkippyMcGizzard

Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.

Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*

@drinksmcgee

They say that ones who hurt you the most also love you the most which means that this clown standing over me with an axe must love me a lot.

@WilliamAder

I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?

@squirrel74wkgn

As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.