If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
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I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest