I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
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GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.