If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
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Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
The news is so predictable nowadays
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️