If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
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EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
So that’s what we looked like?
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.