If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.

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I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.


*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*


The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.


The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious


“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now


Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?

Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there



Cop: sir, your tailamp is out



I take spiders outside in stead of killing them because it’s not their fault that I’m scared of them.

I do however, scream while doing so.