If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
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Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.