ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
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JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.