dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
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Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.