If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
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I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
This meal prepping shit is easy
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Pandas 🐼🖤
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣