If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
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The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
went fishing caught a bass
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Chemical wingman
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
emergency phone
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
i spent way too long on this
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car