I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
You Might Also Like
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear