I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
If The Lego Movie is about anything other than parents walking around and cursing after stepping on Legos, it’s not based on a true story.
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You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
7yr old “Do women get their periods on weekends too?”
7yr old mutters to herself “Jesus Christ”
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
anyone else like Italian cereal
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
[calls wife] honey help
im done shopping at the door store but now i cant tell which one is the exit
‘ok just stop crying’