@trevso_electric I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
@andylassner If The Lego Movie is about anything other than parents walking around and cursing after stepping on Legos, it’s not based on a true story.
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@trevso_electric 
@NikiWithIssues You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
@tgilliland789 *looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
@kellyoxford 7yr old “Do women get their periods on weekends too?”
Me “Yes”
7yr old mutters to herself “Jesus Christ”
@dixonshuman It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
@samreich Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
@RiotGrlErin Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
@rodeoman anyone else like Italian cereal
@ShortSleeveSuit [at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
@hippieswordfish [calls wife] honey help
‘whats wrong?’
im done shopping at the door store but now i cant tell which one is the exit
‘ok just stop crying’