@andylassner

If The Lego Movie is about anything other than parents walking around and cursing after stepping on Legos, it’s not based on a true story.

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@CeruleanGates

The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning

The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?

@G00K0

My quarantine routine:

7 AM: (wake me up)

8 AM: wake me up inside

9 AM: (I can’t wake up)

3 PM: wake me up inside

4 PM: (SAAAAVE ME)

5 PM: CALL MY NAME AND SAAAAVE ME FROM THE DARK

6 PM: Pesto pasta, again

@lazy_joe_

“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS

@ArfMeasures

[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?

Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes

Boss: We drew those

Me: Another good theory

@Lisabug74

I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.

@daemonic3

me: i always get so hungry when i’m high, want some taco bell?

driving test instructor: no

@cmstetz13

I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.