“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
If The Lego Movie is about anything other than parents walking around and cursing after stepping on Legos, it’s not based on a true story.
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The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Easily one of the best social distancing ads I’ve seen
My quarantine routine:
7 AM: (wake me up)
8 AM: wake me up inside
9 AM: (I can’t wake up)
3 PM: wake me up inside
4 PM: (SAAAAVE ME)
5 PM: CALL MY NAME AND SAAAAVE ME FROM THE DARK
6 PM: Pesto pasta, again
“I’m here for the blood.”
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Boss: What do you think happened here?
Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
me: i always get so hungry when i’m high, want some taco bell?
driving test instructor: no
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.