“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
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Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
listen closely
Succinctly put.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me