DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
If the liquor store didn’t want me to drink all their alcohol than they never should have put a help wanted sign in the window.
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The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the body
Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.