I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
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As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Meth is short for Elizameth.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
This cat wants you to take your pills
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.