If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
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Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Realize this:
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
he chose this
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.