If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
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12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
😂 amazing answer
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.