If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
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I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.