if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
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My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.