If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
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My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.