If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical

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Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*

– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.


I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.


Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.


I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.


[first date]

Date: how much do you drink a week?

Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.

Date: right.. Let’s do shots.

Me: i love shots.

Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha


I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on


Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.


*breathes* – gets heartburn

*drinks some water* – gets heartburn

*has sex* – gets heartburn

*makes a joke* – gets heartburn


*robbing a bank*
6-year-old: dad, take that stocking off. There’s only about 80 cents in this piggy bank.