TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
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Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”