I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
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The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?