@Classy_Cassy89

If the people in your car don’t match the stick figures on your rear window, I’ll report your vehicle stolen.

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@leontymccarthy

I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.

@MUMSIEesq

CASHIER: This bag of chips is open
ME: Yup
C: This bag of candy is open
M: Yup
C: This bag of–
M: Look buddy, I know all the bags are open

@Ndeshi_M

I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

@VeryLonelyLuke

I’ve been yelling for years.

Now I’m convinced.

I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.

@tonyposnanski

Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.

@adamallday

About to finish my second book of the day!

And when I say book, I really mean magazine.

And when I say magazine, I really mean pizza.

@pixelatedboat

BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop

@OakHill_

*bedtime*

Me: What does Winnie sleep in?

10: Dad… no

Me: POOJAMAS!!

10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.

@MomOnFire

Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.

Loan Officer: Proposed name?

WP: Hamwitches

[long pause]

LO: Hell yes.