I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
If the people in your car don’t match the stick figures on your rear window, I’ll report your vehicle stolen.
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CASHIER: This bag of chips is open
C: This bag of candy is open
C: This bag of–
M: Look buddy, I know all the bags are open
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
About to finish my second book of the day!
And when I say book, I really mean magazine.
And when I say magazine, I really mean pizza.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
LO: Hell yes.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.