screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
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The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
never forget
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist