i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
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in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
S M O L
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Investing in beetcoin
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”