@Thedudish

If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.

You Might Also Like

@sofarrsogud

I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.

@wendchymes

My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .

@Marcmywords2

Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.

@SuperJuanderer

If I was a villain, I would follow superheroes to their normal human interviews for jobs & note what they answer as their biggest weaknesses

@squirrel74wkgn

Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do

[2 hrs later]

Neighbor: Is your wife home?

Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil

@Beatonm5

…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.

@brendohare

Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long