@Thedudish

If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.

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@underchilde

Three Most Insane Extreme Sports:

1. Solo Climbing
2. Running of the Bulls
3. Family Reunions

@twelveoclocke

It’s impossible to buy a baguette & carry it home without feeling like an actor who is playing the role of Person Coming Home From The Store

@sofarrsogud

Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.

Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours

Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.

@3sunzzz

“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.

@TheTweetOfGod

Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.

@dougbies

My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days

@CVTBaby

Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.

No one suspects the “happy couple.”

@JJSummertime

“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”

My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.

@donjuantip

Your cell should have a ‘drunk mode’ like ‘airplane mode’ so that no text messages or tweets leave your phone but you can still call a taxi.