If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.

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I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.


My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .


Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.


If I was a villain, I would follow superheroes to their normal human interviews for jobs & note what they answer as their biggest weaknesses


Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do

[2 hrs later]

Neighbor: Is your wife home?

Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil


…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.


Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long