If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
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“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
very niche meme I made
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist